“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious