Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
You Might Also Like
I missed you with all my darts
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today