I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
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This will never not be funny 😭
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Fries, not lies.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.