It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
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Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
ok like just. call me at this point
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.