Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
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Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
These work great until they don’t.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”