a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
moms in horror movies
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.