3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
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Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
ok like just. call me at this point
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?