[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
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People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.