*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.