“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The old gods are rising again.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.