1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
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(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
There’s always that one guy
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.