[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
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The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Love it! 👍😂
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.