Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Who knew!
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care