Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
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Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
A roof is a house hat.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
The sacred texts.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe