this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now