*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
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I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.