My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
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If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Why am I like this?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.