Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
You Might Also Like
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent