When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
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Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Meow
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂