911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.