People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No