My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
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Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Who needs an Air Fryer?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.