Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
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“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry