Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.