I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
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Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?