not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
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“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.