Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
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Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
can’t catch a break
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this