What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.