I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
The human personality is made of five key elements
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
There is no try. There is only give up.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.