Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
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The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry