I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
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*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building