Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
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Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning