You Might Also Like
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head