Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
You Might Also Like
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”