My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
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At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
my dad when a sex scene comes on