This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
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I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?