I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house