Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
finally
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last