If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
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My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.