I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district