A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.