“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
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Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect