Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
You Might Also Like
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.