Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
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Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.