Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party