How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
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what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.