amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
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I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this