6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
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Food gives you energy to nap more.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?