I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?