My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
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*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
me adding lol on a serious message
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.